I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize