I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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