my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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