Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
