yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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