Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
