hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
