There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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