All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
