just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Bring me that man meat
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
