He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
