I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
