god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
