For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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