i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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