how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
