No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
