he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
