Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
