all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
