my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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