i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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