Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
