im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I want her autograph on my taint
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
