How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
