I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You are the jesus of drinking
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
