Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
