This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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