everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
