In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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