I'm so fucking centered right now
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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