i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
