3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
