u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I need to stop coming to work sober
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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