i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
