Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
