Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
