mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
