I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
