She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
