I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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