I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
