Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
