Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
