Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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