I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize