I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize