you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Floor bacon is actually really good
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
