Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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