Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
