Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
