If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
