Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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