I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
