this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
