Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
